my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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