Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
