Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
