You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
