The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
