I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
