i think my tv is drunk
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
