i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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