Well apparently he's into motor boating.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
