I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
