i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
