Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
