Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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