I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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