why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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