Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
