I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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