I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
