great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Randomize
