Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You took a bar mat shot.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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