Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
