found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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