I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
