she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
