Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
