Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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