I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
