im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
