fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
