Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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