Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
