happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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