Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
