Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
