Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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