i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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