I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
