Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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