The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
