conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
