i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
