Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
