my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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