he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
