I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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