bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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