All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
