The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
