she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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