8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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